my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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