I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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