the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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