i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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