The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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