it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
i now understand why vodka
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
