Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
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There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
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My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
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