you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
