Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
