She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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