Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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