He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
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You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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