She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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