I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
