i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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