I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
MIDGETS
????
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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