Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
