I wish I could teleport
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
