rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
