I am in a vortex of obligation.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.