Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
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omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
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This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.