Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
