I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
