3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
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so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
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I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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