we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
