do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
