i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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