I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
