Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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