MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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