why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
