it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
