White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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