We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
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