I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
