I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
