Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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