So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
