You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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