So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
