Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Randomize
