Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
3 2 1 whiskey
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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