Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
