The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
