he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
We left the knife in your bed.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
