The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
