Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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