I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
