just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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