I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
