So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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