During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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