I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
