im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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