Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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