I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He passed out mid-signature
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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